Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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