I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
