I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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