I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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