i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I am spending my child support on dildos
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
