Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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