Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
