Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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