she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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