no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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