My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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