I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
