you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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