I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This is my gift to your gina
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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