I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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