So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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