i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
