Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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