the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
