Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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