I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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