my phone needs a breathalizer
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
