mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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