I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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