btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
