Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
