Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just forgot I was standing up.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
