I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
