Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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