I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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