This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
