u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
