If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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