I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
