I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
