I like to think it a success when the cops are called
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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