I think scott just propositioned me for sex
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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