You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You need Xanax blowdarts
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
