her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
