you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
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