I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
