he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
