Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We had sex on a dog bed..
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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