My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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