Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
