Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
