Where is the hickey?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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