an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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