Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
