I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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