I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
