What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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