On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
