Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
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But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
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He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
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