My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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