the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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