i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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