How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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