3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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